Commitment Issues

I told you way back in the beginning that I had commitment issues, right? So, I hate to say "I told you so," but I did. And the self-fulfilling prophecy has fulfilled. I am an uncommitted blogger. Sorry. That's just the way life goes, babe. ( I cannot believe I just wrote that. My husband would be so proud and I'm not even going to explain why.)

Anyhoo....I went to a meeting tonight about a trip my 6th-grader can take next summer to Japan. It's 14 days half way around the world. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I SOOOO want her to go. But at the same time, I'd rather she not 'cause there is a whole world of things that could go wrong with this. I'm not going to even get into the list that's been running through my head. This is one of those moments when being a mother SUCKS. I simultaneously want her to go and grow and learn and be independent and never leave my side and never fly without me and never not be able to talk to me for more than the seven hours she spends in school.

Luckily for me, she hasn't decided herself if she's ready for this or not. It's kind of a shock for me because she is really mature and independent, but she's giving some serious thought to it. And even if she does decide to go for it, she has to go through this whole application process. There is a chance she may not even get picked. Nonetheless, in true motherly fashion, I am worrying about it. Sometimes I think I'm Catholic and someone forgot to tell me.

School is busy, busy. I feel like I am just barely keeping me head above water. And I hate water.

Work, on the other hand, is super. I just realized that maybe I've never explained my school and work thing. Short version: I'm a full-time mom (that might depend on who you ask), full-time student, part-timer at Meredith (I have an apprenticeship through school) working in Better Homes and Gardens Special Interest Publications and sometimes I try to be a wife. I used to also be a maid, cook and laundry attendant, but I gave those up for Lent and have been feeling guilty about it ever since.

So, work is great. I have written four main edit stories—one for Beautiful Kitchens, two for Kitchen and Bath Ideas and one for Kitchen Makeovers. Oh, and one for Bath Makeovers. So, five and I am working on more. I love the work. If you ask my cubemate, Annie, she might tell you about how I complain that I'd rather jab a pencil in my ear than write one more word, or that I need a drink or I just can't go on. Ignore her. Work is great.

Did I mention that school is not so great right now. Well, it's going to get worse if I don't get busy on some homework. And on that note....

Manic

I've been experiencing a high level of mommy guilt lately. If you're a mommy, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. If not, the basic idea is that it sucks. I'm working my a$$ off to go to school full-time, get nearly straight A's, work part-time at Meredith, write 3 freelance articles a month, run the kids to their activities two nights a week and still manage to breathe. I have been able to keep it up, for the most part, for half of the semester so far. But, and this is a big BUT...I feel like I've really lost touch with my girls because I don't have time to sit and ask them about their days. To make sure I ask them about homework enough times that they finally remember they have some. To be a mom. So, while I get a lot of praise for how much work I do and my good grades, I'm failing miserably at what matters most to me.

It sucks. I swear, if my kids screw up and don't go to college at a normal age and station in their lives, I'll....I'll....I'll say "hate to say I told you so," later when their whining on their blog about how hard it is. That'll teach 'em.

Another sad part is I've already resigned myself to the fact that there is no way in hell I'm going to get a 4.0 this semester. And I'm still being a sucky parent.

Talking to my husband about this is like telling the dog. He doesn't understand a word I'm saying. So, I'll just continue to cry about it here and hopefully just getting it out will help me feel better.

But I doubt it.

A Tiny Bit on Politics

All I have to say on this subject right now is that I am so proud our upcoming election is unlike any other in our nation's history as far as the names and faces on the tickets. It makes my heart happy. I can't wait to walk to my local polling place with my daughters in tow and cast my ballot on Tuesday, November 4th. One thing makes me sad—I sure miss Tim Russert. I'm sad that he is missing this. RIP Tim.