sound so negative. I'm really not a negative person. I guess I write about negative things as a way of working them out in my head. I will make a point of writing about positive things, too.
If I ever have one. Ha! Just kidding.
28 January 2009
Every Day Is A Struggle
I spend more time wondering whether or not the path I have chosen is the right one, or if I am gambling with the lives of the people I love for no good reason. What kind of mother chooses to go to school and work while her children are in elementary and middle schools? Why didn't I do this a long time ago—when I was supposed to?
I've tried to convince myself that it's a good thing because I am setting a good example. I am disciplined and work very hard. I'm getting my education, which I expect them to do, but hope they see the benefits to doing it before they have children.
Then something happened. Actually, it happened about last October, but I thought we had it taken care of, until now. My third-grader is not doing well in school. At conferences last fall, the teacher told us Hanna talks too much in class, and it's keeping her from getting her work finished. So, we did what any self-respecting parents would do. We gave her a stern talking-to until she was on the brink of tears, then giggled about it after she went to bed. We really thought that would do it. Hanna has always been my child who knows where the line is with mom. She gets really, really close to it a lot, sometimes even puts a toe over it. But the minute she gets the stink-eye, she knows she's hit the wall, and she backs off. (Polar opposite of her big sister, Haley, who pushes and pushes and pushes until I think my eyes will bleed.)
The mood struck last night to check the school district portal for parents to keep track of the kid's grades and such. I haven't looked at it since...I don't know...last fall. I know, I know. I'm a bad parent. I should be on top of this stuff. Anyway, I looked mainly to see how Haley is holding up. Then I clicked on Hanna's—half expecting to find nothing there because her teacher is a first-timer and always seems a little too harried to be on top of that stuff.
As fate would have it, she is on top of it, but my little angel is not. She hasn't been turning in homework assignments. Probably because she hasn't been doing homework assignments. It would seem that when I ask her if she has homework, and she tells me she doesn't—she's lying. Hmmmm...weird. (Anyone who knows Hanna is thinking I'm an idiot right now because it's a well-known fact that Hanna is an avid stretcher of the truth. And I mean AVID.)
Her lying about it is a problem for sure, but the bigger problem, I think, is that I haven't been paying enough attention to figure it out. I'm so busy with work and school, I have let my daughter crash and burn. I've put my kids on autopilot, but I forgot to check whether or not they actually have autopilot. They don't.
I feel like a real asshole of a parent right now. I'm super looking forward to meeting with the teacher tomorrow at the ungodly hour of 7:30am. The teacher who certainly thinks I am an asshole of a parent who doesn't have the time to make sure my kid is doing her work and oh, I don't know, learning something.
How do I balance school, work, keeping my kids on track, not making my husband hate me and still manage to breathe every so often? Oh, and they want me to cook sometimes, too. Geez.
I've tried to convince myself that it's a good thing because I am setting a good example. I am disciplined and work very hard. I'm getting my education, which I expect them to do, but hope they see the benefits to doing it before they have children.
Then something happened. Actually, it happened about last October, but I thought we had it taken care of, until now. My third-grader is not doing well in school. At conferences last fall, the teacher told us Hanna talks too much in class, and it's keeping her from getting her work finished. So, we did what any self-respecting parents would do. We gave her a stern talking-to until she was on the brink of tears, then giggled about it after she went to bed. We really thought that would do it. Hanna has always been my child who knows where the line is with mom. She gets really, really close to it a lot, sometimes even puts a toe over it. But the minute she gets the stink-eye, she knows she's hit the wall, and she backs off. (Polar opposite of her big sister, Haley, who pushes and pushes and pushes until I think my eyes will bleed.)
The mood struck last night to check the school district portal for parents to keep track of the kid's grades and such. I haven't looked at it since...I don't know...last fall. I know, I know. I'm a bad parent. I should be on top of this stuff. Anyway, I looked mainly to see how Haley is holding up. Then I clicked on Hanna's—half expecting to find nothing there because her teacher is a first-timer and always seems a little too harried to be on top of that stuff.
As fate would have it, she is on top of it, but my little angel is not. She hasn't been turning in homework assignments. Probably because she hasn't been doing homework assignments. It would seem that when I ask her if she has homework, and she tells me she doesn't—she's lying. Hmmmm...weird. (Anyone who knows Hanna is thinking I'm an idiot right now because it's a well-known fact that Hanna is an avid stretcher of the truth. And I mean AVID.)
Her lying about it is a problem for sure, but the bigger problem, I think, is that I haven't been paying enough attention to figure it out. I'm so busy with work and school, I have let my daughter crash and burn. I've put my kids on autopilot, but I forgot to check whether or not they actually have autopilot. They don't.
I feel like a real asshole of a parent right now. I'm super looking forward to meeting with the teacher tomorrow at the ungodly hour of 7:30am. The teacher who certainly thinks I am an asshole of a parent who doesn't have the time to make sure my kid is doing her work and oh, I don't know, learning something.
How do I balance school, work, keeping my kids on track, not making my husband hate me and still manage to breathe every so often? Oh, and they want me to cook sometimes, too. Geez.
22 January 2009
You know you're a geek when...
You buy yourself a really special present, and it's a new Merriam-Webster's Eleventh Edition Collegiate Dictionary.
20 January 2009
How do you spell....?
So, we've been heralding (and criticizing) Barack Obama in the media for how long now? Since at the very least February of 2007 when he officially announced he would run for the presidency. He's made zillions of headlines around the world, not just in our little corner. But still his name comes up as a spelling error on gmail chat and Microsoft Word. Why is that? I'm pretty sure I'm spelling it right. Right?
17 January 2009
On Self-Esteem
I am at a loss today to know how we lose it. I'm sure at some point all girls naturally think they are good at something—probably even many things. But somehow unbeknownst to us at the time it slips away. There is no warning. There's no, "Sorry, you're over your self-esteem limit." And there's certainly no one there to warn you that you are in danger of losing it. You are just puttering along in your life and then one day you realize that you are afraid to try new things. You're afraid of people thinking you are not good enough—at everything. You're afraid that not only do people think it, but that they are right.
How does this happen? And more importantly, how does it happen to a girl who is only 10?
My daughter is a rock climber. Maybe I've mentioned it before. I think she is so good at it. I'm amazed at her strength and that she can climb so high and not be scared. I'm amazed that she goes to the gym twice a week to train and finishes all red-faced and disheveled from a truly strenuous workout. And she keeps doing it. Week in and week out.
Today she and my husband are in Ann Arbor, Michigan, at the regional competition. The top five climbers in her age group advance to the national competition next month. I have received two text messages from her today.
Text #1 after the first round: Hi mom. I just turned in my score card. I waz horrible.
Text #2 after the final round: I was horrible again. I made 1 route for finals. I'm going to lose no doubt about it.
How? Why? What? I do not understand how she gets so down on herself. She gives up before she starts. She compares herself to one of her climbing friends continually. This year they are in different age groups so I thought she wouldn't do it as much. She still does. And she gets so negative about her ability.
I don't know how to make her feel better. I don't know how to instill in her that all she needs to do is her best so she feels good about it. And if she isn't happy with the result, she needs to push herself harder to get better. She wants to be better, but she lacks that kind of competitive drive to push a little harder. Instead, she just beats herself up for not being as good as her friend.
I don't want to be a "little league parent" screaming at her to win. That's so not what it's about. I want her to feel good about her performance. And if she doesn't, I want her to understand she has two options: be satisfied with it, or push herself to get to the place where she is happy with it. I want her to not compare herself to the next girl. I want her to be able to observe that girl and take away something positive, not use her as a launch pad of criticism toward herself.
I just have no idea how to make her understand these things. And I cannot for the life of me understand why she does this. She's too bright, too talented, too intelligent and too wonderful to suffer like this. And I don't want to see her carry this burden the rest of her life. There are too many things we women beat ourselves up over. She doesn't need to start this early.
How does this happen? And more importantly, how does it happen to a girl who is only 10?
My daughter is a rock climber. Maybe I've mentioned it before. I think she is so good at it. I'm amazed at her strength and that she can climb so high and not be scared. I'm amazed that she goes to the gym twice a week to train and finishes all red-faced and disheveled from a truly strenuous workout. And she keeps doing it. Week in and week out.
Today she and my husband are in Ann Arbor, Michigan, at the regional competition. The top five climbers in her age group advance to the national competition next month. I have received two text messages from her today.
Text #1 after the first round: Hi mom. I just turned in my score card. I waz horrible.
Text #2 after the final round: I was horrible again. I made 1 route for finals. I'm going to lose no doubt about it.
How? Why? What? I do not understand how she gets so down on herself. She gives up before she starts. She compares herself to one of her climbing friends continually. This year they are in different age groups so I thought she wouldn't do it as much. She still does. And she gets so negative about her ability.
I don't know how to make her feel better. I don't know how to instill in her that all she needs to do is her best so she feels good about it. And if she isn't happy with the result, she needs to push herself harder to get better. She wants to be better, but she lacks that kind of competitive drive to push a little harder. Instead, she just beats herself up for not being as good as her friend.
I don't want to be a "little league parent" screaming at her to win. That's so not what it's about. I want her to feel good about her performance. And if she doesn't, I want her to understand she has two options: be satisfied with it, or push herself to get to the place where she is happy with it. I want her to not compare herself to the next girl. I want her to be able to observe that girl and take away something positive, not use her as a launch pad of criticism toward herself.
I just have no idea how to make her understand these things. And I cannot for the life of me understand why she does this. She's too bright, too talented, too intelligent and too wonderful to suffer like this. And I don't want to see her carry this burden the rest of her life. There are too many things we women beat ourselves up over. She doesn't need to start this early.
16 January 2009
What spells relief for you?
Being able to breathe again spells relief for me. Today I am relieved.
That's all.
Check out the "renaming" post on Maggie's blog.
It's ridiculous. Not Maggie's blog—the subject matter. Maggie rocks.
That's all.
Check out the "renaming" post on Maggie's blog.
It's ridiculous. Not Maggie's blog—the subject matter. Maggie rocks.
13 January 2009
Impending Doom
I'm feeling the noose begin to tighten as I anticipate the beginning of the semester—next Tuesday. I struggled so much last fall to keep my sanity and accomplish all that was expected of me. I feel like I failed miserably on all fronts. My grades were not up to the standard I have set for myself. I didn't cook a meal for my family for four months. I missed a couple of freelance deadlines by a day, which makes me crazy.
And my daughter told me that she was getting used to her life sucking because I never have time to do anything for or with her. Ouch. That one hit hard. She felt bad for saying it afterward, but it wasn't her fault. I knew it was true. Otherwise it wouldn't have hurt so much.
The problem I face now is how to get through the next four months—and then another two after that—without losing both my sanity and my family. My husband keeps telling me it's only a little bit longer and it will all be over. (Only 178 days to go.) I know he's right. I will survive. My kids might even come through only needing a few years of psychotherapy to recover from mommy neglect. But right now the pressure is immense, and sometimes I can't breathe.
Sigh.
And my daughter told me that she was getting used to her life sucking because I never have time to do anything for or with her. Ouch. That one hit hard. She felt bad for saying it afterward, but it wasn't her fault. I knew it was true. Otherwise it wouldn't have hurt so much.
The problem I face now is how to get through the next four months—and then another two after that—without losing both my sanity and my family. My husband keeps telling me it's only a little bit longer and it will all be over. (Only 178 days to go.) I know he's right. I will survive. My kids might even come through only needing a few years of psychotherapy to recover from mommy neglect. But right now the pressure is immense, and sometimes I can't breathe.
Sigh.
07 January 2009
Happy New Year...
It's easy to put off this blogging thing. It doesn't pay well. It's not required.
No. One. Reads. It.
Why should I do it?
Well, because I need to entertain myself somehow, right? I love to write. I love to think about writing. I love the IDEA of writing. I just get so caught up in the daily bind that I rarely get to it unless I'm under deadline. It's really quite sad. I'm always busy writing for school or to meet a deadline. I seldom get the chance to write in order to meet goals I have for myself. Goals I would like to accomplish someday. Goals that feel a long way off int he distance right now.
I'm sure you're thinking, It's the new year—make a resolution to start anew. Well, thanks, but no thanks. I don't do the resolution thing. I used to, but no more. Every year like clockwork, there I'd be making list after list of all the great things I planned to do. The "New Year" has such power over us—I know it's not just me. There was this one year when I was going to the gym regularly enough to notice the new year rush. The locker room would be overrun—not an open locker in sight. Classes would be so full I would have to cardio kickbox with my butt against the back wall. (And you thought watching me cardio kickbox was funny enough.) And parking was a nightmare. So, like I was saying, I used to scrawl hopes, dreams and empty promises in notebooks for days thinking about all this brand new year would hold. Then about three weeks later I would realize that I had all but completely abandoned my shiny, new resolve for the same ol', same ol'. Ah, well. Such is the life of a new year's resolution.
So, instead of making a resolution or 27, I'm just looking toward the future and thinking about what my life will hold. I'm making contacts and building my resumé. I'm planning how I will make the transition from school to the working world after I graduate this year. I'm planning to blog. To write. To finish house projects. To clean out closets. To...oh, cripes. I'm making resolutions, aren't I?
I'm making resolutions.
No. One. Reads. It.
Why should I do it?
Well, because I need to entertain myself somehow, right? I love to write. I love to think about writing. I love the IDEA of writing. I just get so caught up in the daily bind that I rarely get to it unless I'm under deadline. It's really quite sad. I'm always busy writing for school or to meet a deadline. I seldom get the chance to write in order to meet goals I have for myself. Goals I would like to accomplish someday. Goals that feel a long way off int he distance right now.
I'm sure you're thinking, It's the new year—make a resolution to start anew. Well, thanks, but no thanks. I don't do the resolution thing. I used to, but no more. Every year like clockwork, there I'd be making list after list of all the great things I planned to do. The "New Year" has such power over us—I know it's not just me. There was this one year when I was going to the gym regularly enough to notice the new year rush. The locker room would be overrun—not an open locker in sight. Classes would be so full I would have to cardio kickbox with my butt against the back wall. (And you thought watching me cardio kickbox was funny enough.) And parking was a nightmare. So, like I was saying, I used to scrawl hopes, dreams and empty promises in notebooks for days thinking about all this brand new year would hold. Then about three weeks later I would realize that I had all but completely abandoned my shiny, new resolve for the same ol', same ol'. Ah, well. Such is the life of a new year's resolution.
So, instead of making a resolution or 27, I'm just looking toward the future and thinking about what my life will hold. I'm making contacts and building my resumé. I'm planning how I will make the transition from school to the working world after I graduate this year. I'm planning to blog. To write. To finish house projects. To clean out closets. To...oh, cripes. I'm making resolutions, aren't I?
I'm making resolutions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
