On Self-Esteem

I am at a loss today to know how we lose it. I'm sure at some point all girls naturally think they are good at something—probably even many things. But somehow unbeknownst to us at the time it slips away. There is no warning. There's no, "Sorry, you're over your self-esteem limit." And there's certainly no one there to warn you that you are in danger of losing it. You are just puttering along in your life and then one day you realize that you are afraid to try new things. You're afraid of people thinking you are not good enough—at everything. You're afraid that not only do people think it, but that they are right.

How does this happen? And more importantly, how does it happen to a girl who is only 10?

My daughter is a rock climber. Maybe I've mentioned it before. I think she is so good at it. I'm amazed at her strength and that she can climb so high and not be scared. I'm amazed that she goes to the gym twice a week to train and finishes all red-faced and disheveled from a truly strenuous workout. And she keeps doing it. Week in and week out.

Today she and my husband are in Ann Arbor, Michigan, at the regional competition. The top five climbers in her age group advance to the national competition next month. I have received two text messages from her today.

Text #1 after the first round: Hi mom. I just turned in my score card. I waz horrible.

Text #2 after the final round: I was horrible again. I made 1 route for finals. I'm going to lose no doubt about it.

How? Why? What? I do not understand how she gets so down on herself. She gives up before she starts. She compares herself to one of her climbing friends continually. This year they are in different age groups so I thought she wouldn't do it as much. She still does. And she gets so negative about her ability.

I don't know how to make her feel better. I don't know how to instill in her that all she needs to do is her best so she feels good about it. And if she isn't happy with the result, she needs to push herself harder to get better. She wants to be better, but she lacks that kind of competitive drive to push a little harder. Instead, she just beats herself up for not being as good as her friend.

I don't want to be a "little league parent" screaming at her to win. That's so not what it's about. I want her to feel good about her performance. And if she doesn't, I want her to understand she has two options: be satisfied with it, or push herself to get to the place where she is happy with it. I want her to not compare herself to the next girl. I want her to be able to observe that girl and take away something positive, not use her as a launch pad of criticism toward herself.

I just have no idea how to make her understand these things. And I cannot for the life of me understand why she does this. She's too bright, too talented, too intelligent and too wonderful to suffer like this. And I don't want to see her carry this burden the rest of her life. There are too many things we women beat ourselves up over. She doesn't need to start this early.