Every Day Is A Struggle

I spend more time wondering whether or not the path I have chosen is the right one, or if I am gambling with the lives of the people I love for no good reason. What kind of mother chooses to go to school and work while her children are in elementary and middle schools? Why didn't I do this a long time ago—when I was supposed to?

I've tried to convince myself that it's a good thing because I am setting a good example. I am disciplined and work very hard. I'm getting my education, which I expect them to do, but hope they see the benefits to doing it before they have children.

Then something happened. Actually, it happened about last October, but I thought we had it taken care of, until now. My third-grader is not doing well in school. At conferences last fall, the teacher told us Hanna talks too much in class, and it's keeping her from getting her work finished. So, we did what any self-respecting parents would do. We gave her a stern talking-to until she was on the brink of tears, then giggled about it after she went to bed. We really thought that would do it. Hanna has always been my child who knows where the line is with mom. She gets really, really close to it a lot, sometimes even puts a toe over it. But the minute she gets the stink-eye, she knows she's hit the wall, and she backs off. (Polar opposite of her big sister, Haley, who pushes and pushes and pushes until I think my eyes will bleed.)

The mood struck last night to check the school district portal for parents to keep track of the kid's grades and such. I haven't looked at it since...I don't know...last fall. I know, I know. I'm a bad parent. I should be on top of this stuff. Anyway, I looked mainly to see how Haley is holding up. Then I clicked on Hanna's—half expecting to find nothing there because her teacher is a first-timer and always seems a little too harried to be on top of that stuff.

As fate would have it, she is on top of it, but my little angel is not. She hasn't been turning in homework assignments. Probably because she hasn't been doing homework assignments. It would seem that when I ask her if she has homework, and she tells me she doesn't—she's lying. Hmmmm...weird. (Anyone who knows Hanna is thinking I'm an idiot right now because it's a well-known fact that Hanna is an avid stretcher of the truth. And I mean AVID.)

Her lying about it is a problem for sure, but the bigger problem, I think, is that I haven't been paying enough attention to figure it out. I'm so busy with work and school, I have let my daughter crash and burn. I've put my kids on autopilot, but I forgot to check whether or not they actually have autopilot. They don't.

I feel like a real asshole of a parent right now. I'm super looking forward to meeting with the teacher tomorrow at the ungodly hour of 7:30am. The teacher who certainly thinks I am an asshole of a parent who doesn't have the time to make sure my kid is doing her work and oh, I don't know, learning something.

How do I balance school, work, keeping my kids on track, not making my husband hate me and still manage to breathe every so often? Oh, and they want me to cook sometimes, too. Geez.